


i am lost

by loopunderground



Category: Apex Legends (Video Games)
Genre: 31 Days of Apex (Apex Legends), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Other, Religious Discussion, unmasking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:48:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25614586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loopunderground/pseuds/loopunderground
Summary: “Hey Hound? You know how you fight for your Gods? How did… When did you know that was your purpose?”After the end of a season, Hound and Elliott have an honest conversation.
Relationships: Bloodhound/Mirage | Elliott Witt
Comments: 40
Kudos: 99





	i am lost

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is my first time writing fic for apex! 
> 
> this is for day 30 of the 31 days of apex challenge, with the prompt 'trust'
> 
> i was super inspired by the fic [fineshrine](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24894025) by luckylabyrs its absolutely beautiful pls go read it if you haven't
> 
> this fic is very dialogue focused, also just a heads up that aside from their scars, i've tried to be really vague with hound's face description!! so feel free to insert your hc's lol 
> 
> tw for heavyish discussions of death and general angst
> 
> i hope you enjoy!

The final game of a season was always followed by celebration, and tonight was no exception. Joy seemed to spill out from every surface in Paradise Lounge, most of the legends glad that the season was finally over and that they could take a break from it all and return to their everyday lives. Upbeat music drifted out through the speakers whilst cheers could be heard from booths, and drinks were shared out amongst everyone. The atmosphere was lively and social and all in all, a pleasant one. 

Bloodhound was not involved in the celebrations inside and instead stood alone on the balcony, overlooking the rooftops of Solace City. They had never been to such an event before, the social aspect of the games had always been lost on them, unable to thrive in these sorts of circles the way they could in the ring and so events such as this they usually backed out of. But they were here on a favour tonight, one that they couldn’t really turn down, so they’d hidden themselves amongst the crowds and in the corner of rooms, watching, observing, before they finally made their way to where they were now, outside in the relative quiet. It had been a surprisingly pleasant evening however, despite it being far removed from their usual level of comfort. They had privately always enjoyed seeing how their fellow hunters interacted with each other, the friendships they had and how they cared for one another. Hound was always proud to stand with them and it was nice to see the smiles on their faces that evening, despite sticking to the shadows and their own company.

It was starting to get late however, and Hound felt as though it was time for them to leave. They’d fulfilled their favour and now it would be best for them to return home, perhaps complete a few chores before retiring for the evening. The season might have been over for the time being but there was much they needed to do in the downtime to prepare for the next. As they were looking around to work out the best way of getting out without being spotted they heard the sound of the sliding balcony door being opened and closed, followed by a figure wandering over to the edge of the railing. Stood off to one side, Hound realised that they hadn’t been spotted yet, and though briefly alert at the sight of someone else, their tension eased when they realised it was only Mirage. It was a surprise to see him come out here on his own, Hound would have expected him to have some form of company given the way he interacted with everyone. They watched as he leant against the railing and let out a deep sigh, laced with weariness and exhaustion, his public persona giving way. It felt very intimate to see him like this, when he clearly thought he was alone, and Hound wondered if they could get back inside without being spotted, not wanting to trespass on such a vulnerable moment. But before they could slip away unnoticed Mirage ran his hands over his face and shook his head a little before turning and finally noticing Hound out there with him. He paused, surprise evident on his face. “Hound?” He asked, “Is that you?”

“I apologise, I didn't mean to startle you.” They said, stepping away from where they had been hidden.

“No no you didn’t, I’m just surprised to see you. Why are you here? I mean, it’s great! That you’re here! But you don’t usually come to these things.”

They shifted on their feet and tilted their head towards the festivities inside. “I owed Makoa a favour… This is what he asked of me. It would have been rude to refuse him.”

“You’ve refused offers before though.”

“Under usual circumstances I would, but there was an incident earlier today in the match… This was his request, so I said I would come.”

“Huh. Should have guessed it would be Makoa to be the one to get you to finally tag along, he’s too sweet to say no to. And that’s coming from me! But I mean, are you having fun? It’s not been too awful for you?”

Bloodhound hummed, mulling it over. “It has been everything I expected and yet... I do not regret coming. It has been enlightening to see our fellow competitors in such an environment, where they can relax, free of the fight. It has been good for me, I think, to be reminded that you all have your own lives outside of the games”. There was an unspoken ‘unlike me’ tacked on the end of that thought and they quietly hoped that Elliott wouldn’t call them out on it. They all had their own reasons for taking part, but it was a calling to Hound in a way that the others would never experience. Which wasn’t to say that they didn’t have a life outside of the games, but they were aware of the difference between themselves and the others. They did not wish for anything different, they were content with the way things had been laid out for them. Still, it was good to be reminded of how everyone else lived at times.

“Huh…” Was Elliott’s only response, not even looking at Hound anymore, but instead back out across the Solace rooftops. He had a faraway look in his eyes, like the one he’d sported previously before he realised he had company. It seemed odd and out of character to not hear him rambling off some kind of response, and Hound felt a spark of concern rush through them.

“Mirage? Is everything alright?” They asked, only to be met with silence. “Elliott…?” They tried again, slower. He finally seemed to hear them and let out another sigh, flashing them a weak smile.

“Ah, me? I’m good, I'm great, just been a long day y’know, the game today was pretty intense.”

Hound was not sure whether Elliott was aware of how terrible a liar he was, but they did not call him out on it in that moment. Mainly because they weren’t sure how to approach him like this. Even when he was himself they had always struggled with how to respond to his remarks, when he was flirting one second and boasting the next, but they were at least somewhat used to that behaviour. That, they could handle. Just about. But a subdued, quiet Mirage? Now that was a mystery. Not even at practice together had he been this quiet. They wondered if something had happened earlier during the celebrations, admittedly they hadn’t seen him much that evening though they had tried to spot him in the crowd. They had just presumed he was busy entertaining other people. Perhaps something had happened?

“Hey Hound? You know how you fight for your Gods? How did… When did you know that was your purpose?” 

That... was not a question they were expecting. And they did not expect him to ask so genuinely, so much so that it stunned them into silence for a moment too long, Mirage already recovering and turning away, putting his persona back on.

“Ah you don’t have to answer, I get it, you wanna keep your mysteries, it's not a prob-”

“You can ask.” Hound said quietly and Elliott glanced back at them. “I have been hunting since I was very young. It was a right of passage for me and when I had my first trial, I simply knew it was what I was destined to do. I have been blessed in this path and been given skills that may help me on it. I suppose it was always clear to me that it would be my purpose.”

“Do you know if your Gods are happy with you?”

Hound moved to stand next to him, also leaning against the balcony railing. “I do not believe they are displeased. But I will not know until fate decides that I meet them. For now I simply do what I must to bring them honour.”

‘Does it ever bother you? The not knowing? Have you ever... Wished your path was different?”

If it was anyone else, at any other moment, they would feel suspicious of so many personal questions. But something about the way Elliott was acting, with a hidden heaviness behind his words pushed Hound towards worry, rather than uncertainty about the sudden curiosity.

“No,” they finally replied after some thought, “it does not bother me. As for my path… I am content with what has been set out for me. It does not serve me well to dwell on destinies that were not meant to be.”

Elliott stood silent and unmoving. Hound, perturbed by the train of conversation continued on, unsure of whether they had said something upsetting: “I know that others find it strange, to live the way that I do-”

“Ah screw ‘em, those people don’t matter. And you know, for what it’s worth? I don’t think it's strange. Honestly I think it must be kinda nice, I mean, you know why you’re here, what you have to do, you’ve got a structure to your life. Must be nice to have that.”

Hound tilted their head slightly, curious, concerned, hearing what had gone unspoken. “You follow your own path, there is no shame in that.”

“But do you think my path is guided by higher beings?”

“I... I do not presume to know what guides you Elliott, nor what your path may be. It is not my place.”

Elliott hummed and picked at a loose thread on his shirt, before looking up at the sky. There were a few stars out, but the light pollution of the city had dimmed them greatly. It was a shame really, that the neon lights reflected in puddles on the ground were brighter than the stars above them.

“They’re not very kind are they? The Gods.”

“No,” Bloodhound answered quietly, “they are not.”

Silence fell between them again. Cheers echoed out onto the balcony, some kind of toast happening inside the building. Elliott continued to look out over the rooftops in the city for a few more seconds, before shaking some of his mood away and flashing one of his usual smiles back at Bloodhound. “You wanna get out of here? Go for a walk or something?”

“You do not wish to stay?”

“Nah, I’m all partied out. You don’t have to join me though, if you don’t want, I get it.”

The last thing Hound wanted to do was leave him alone when he was in such a strange mood, especially when they didn’t know what had brought it on. Also in truth, they quite enjoyed his company. He was funny and pleasant to be around, and when they were alone he always seemed to be more genuine with them, and Hound treasured those moments deeply.

“I would be happy to continue in your company Elliott.”

He seemed to get flustered at that, and tried to pass it off with his usual charm. “Don’t you worry Houndie, I’ll make it worth your while!”

They had no doubt about that.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


It was surprisingly quiet out on the streets of the city. They weren’t sure if Elliott was deliberately taking them through a quieter, more scenic route, but it was appreciated nonetheless. They so rarely did any kind of public appearance other than the games which meant that being out in the open made them a little tense, but that tension faded as Elliott went on about the history of their surroundings, telling anecdote after anecdote. He seemed more like his usual self, and Hound was content to listen to him ramble, his voice soothing and safe. 

“-and that was just the weirdest set of coincidences and- Wow okay. Word vomit. You can totally tell me to shut up y’know.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“I know it can be a little much.”

“Trust me, if I wanted you to be quiet then I would have said.”

Elliott smiled at him, and Hound wondered how many people had ever just listened to the man speak. By the look on his face, it can’t have been many. They did not want to pity him, but they felt it stirring within them anyway. 

“Have you seen much of Solace?” Elliott asked, as they turned down another empty street.

“Not the widely populated areas. I do not come into the city much, as I’m sure you’re aware. It is interesting to hear the stories you have of it.”

“You know Talos better right?”

“Mm. It is where I grew up.”

Elliott side eyed them, evidently surprised that they were offering up this information. Admittedly they were also a little surprised at being so forthcoming with it, normally this would not be something they would hand over so easily. But something about this evening, the mood between them, made them feel as though there would be no danger in sharing a little this time. 

“You must have been happy when they made an arena there. Or not. Were you?”

Hound frowned under the mask, glad that Elliott could not see their expression. “It was an unexpected announcement. I have many memories of Talos. It was strange to be back there, fighting.”

They had not been back there in many years before the games moved. As a young one they’d eventually been forced out, as more of the IMC pushed in and took over. They had lost so many people there, and seen so much destroyed. When the tower had blown on Kings Canyon and the location of the new arena had been announced they’d felt nauseous, and wondered whether the choice had been intentional. They had done so much to keep themselves private, but there was always the chance someone had pieced things together. They had hoped that perhaps the arena would be on the far side of the planet, far away from their memories. They had not expected to have to walk on the ground of their childhood again. To shed blood on the hills they’d once ran on with their parents. Without the strength of the Allfather to guide them, they were not sure they would have been able to hunt as they had.

“Had you been? Before the games?” They asked, not wanting to think much more about their own history.

“Me? Oh, no I’ve been on Solace pretty much my whole life. My brothers used to tell me about the places they’d been whenever they came home but-” He cut himself off with a wince, the memories still stinging even now, “-Nah, the games were my first experience of it. Interesting place. Pretty. I’m glad we’re back on the Canyon though… No offence.”

“None taken. I admit I am fond of the Canyon. After all this time it is a blessing to be so intimate with one’s hunting grounds.”

Elliott coughed at that, blush staining his cheeks. Bloodhound raised an eyebrow at him but the expression was lost under their mask. They neglected to comment on it, to save him further embarrassment, and continued on their walk, letting Elliott fill the silence with more of his stories. It occurred to Hound that they’d been walking for nearly an hour, and though they might be a technological tracker, they had no idea where they were. But despite the lateness of the hour, and the fact that they were wandering in an unknown area of the city, they were perfectly content to continue onwards. After all it had been a while since they’d spent time in each other's company. Hound would often assist Elliott on the range after he had started appearing there some mornings, strolling up to Hound with his usual blinding smile and flirtatious remarks, and they had done their best to keep their composure under the circumstances. “Your aim with grenades is appalling.” They’d said, a little more harshly than intended but it managed to hide how flustered they truly were. “I will teach you how to throw them.” They’d fallen into a nice routine after that, helping the other out, sometimes just training in silence, but Hound had come to look forward to seeing him there. Elliott hadn’t been present for a week or so, and loathe to admit it, Hound had missed him. They'd been having fun training with him, listening to his jokes, and seeing more of his Mirage persona fading and finding the man beneath it. There were plenty of similarities of course, but Elliott Witt was more gentle and sensitive than Mirage would ever let on.

Eventually their companion seemed to also realise what time it was. “Artur isn’t going to come looking for you is he? I don’t trust him to not peck at my eyes for thinking I’ve kidnapped you.”

Hound chuckled. “He will be alright, so long as he is fed in the morning.”

“Ah, is it far away to your home?” 

“I am… Unfamiliar with this party of the city. I can make my way home, but it may take a while.”

“My bad, I didn’t mean to keep you away for so long. Listen, if you want my place is nearby, you can crash there and tomorrow I’ll walk you back to somewhere you know and you can get home from there.”

“It’s quite alright, I do not wish to impose-”

“No no, you wouldn’t be imposing! Please, it’s the least I can do since you’ve put up with me all night.”

“I haven’t put up with you. Your company has been most pleasant.”

“R-Right,” Elliott stuttered, “I mean I’m not forcing you, I mean I don’t think I could you’re very strong, but uh, I mean the offer is there. It’s warm and I own a lot of blankets.”

“Well, I suppose with an offer like that I would be a fool to refuse.” Hound teased, noting the blush and the relieved smile that appeared on Elliott’s face. As the pair of them continued on towards Elliott’s home, Hound spoke up again.

“Does that line usually bring you much success?”

“Huh?”

“Getting people to return to your apartment by offering them blankets.”

Elliott paused in his steps for a moment. “Did you just make a joke?”

Hound said nothing but smiled to themselves under the mask. Elliott looked as though he was about to fist pump the air.

“You did! You made a joke! Aw Houndie I’m flattered!”

He walked a bit ahead before glancing back and saying “And so far that line has a one hundred percent success rate, since you’re the only person I’ve used it on.”

Under the mask it was Hound’s turn to blush.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“Home sweet home!” Elliot announced as they walked through the door to his apartment. “Whaddya think?”

Hound looked around, taking it all in. “It is nice. I expected it to be… Louder.”

“What’s that mean?”

“You are not a subtle person. I expected your home lodgings to be of a similar disposition to what you have on the dropship.”

“Oh excuse me hunter sent from the gods, with your collection of smuggled weapons and animal skulls in your area of the dropship, I think you can excuse me a couple of posters.”

They had the decency to feel embarrassed, their face heating up inside the mask. “My apologies, it was not meant to be a slight, you have nice lodgings.”

Elliott grinned, shrugging off his jacket. “Don’t worry about it Houndie, I’m just messing with ‘ya.”

Whilst Elliott went to put his keys away and turn more lights on, Hound removed their boots and took a closer look around the room. Whilst it had come across the wrong way, they were genuinely surprised at how minimalist Elliott’s home was. His space on the dropship was full of character and decorated with red and gold. But here, the apartment was simple white walls and grey furniture, the kitchen and lounge all part of the same open room. Sure, there were little items dotted around, but the lack of anything 'Mirage' was unexpected. This made the few decorations that did exist stand out, and Hound was drawn towards a cork board hung up on one of the walls behind a sofa, covered in letters and photos. They recognised some of the letters as fan mail, by the looks of it some of the first that Elliott had ever received. What was more compelling though were the photos - there were several of an older woman with a gentle smile, and others of three young men with a striking family resemblance. Elliott was too busy taking off his shoes to notice that Hound had gone over to look.

“Is this your family?” Hound asked, and didn’t miss the way Elliott winced before plastering on a smile and coming over to sit on the sofa. 

“Sure are. That’s mom, and those are my brothers.”

“She has a kind face. You look a lot like her.”

Elliott stammered out a thank you and Hound tried to move the conversation away, not wanting to prod at something that was clearly sensitive. “These are fan letters too, yes? I noticed similar ones in your quarters on the ship.”

“Yeah I always keep the handwritten ones, you don’t tend to get too many of those these days. Up there are the first few I ever got, they’re uni-una- they’re special.”

Elliott’s eyes drifted over the letters, his features soft as he read over the kind words that had been sent to him. “You must get letters too though right? I mean you were renowned before any of this, surely you’ve had people write to you.”

“I have. I admit I still find it strange to read any of it, to hear of strangers' admiration. I do not participate in the games for notoriety or other such things. It is jarring to be reminded of it, sometimes.”

“All part of the package. I mean I know you don’t really do any of the press stuff but do you ever reply to the letters?”

Hound shook their head and moved to sit next to him on the sofa. “I wouldn’t know what to say. It is not that I don’t appreciate the kind words and support they offer… But as we discussed earlier, I do not fight for them. It is easy to forget there are people watching, at times. Although I suspect that is not the case for you.” Bloodhound said, though not unkindly. Elliott simply shrugged.

“Listen, someone’s gotta be there to look pretty, and I am very good at being pretty.”

Hound had to bite back the ‘you’re more than just a pretty face’ than threatened to come out of their mouth, knowing exactly what he would take from that sentence. “I had thought you enjoyed the games.”

“I do. Wait, what? What do you mean?”

“You… Mirage is much more amiable to the audiences than perhaps I am. It had seemed to me that you revelled in it. But yet you say you’re just there to be a pretty face. I had thought you enjoyed the hunt.”

“I mean, the fame and adoration makes up for the fact that it’s a blood sport that doesn’t pay well, I guess.”

Hound frowned under the mask. Elliott, despite the way he played off his persona, was no idiot. And Hound did not believe he did this solely for the fame.

“It is fortunate that we have the technology that allows our continued participation in these games. But we feel each bullet, each burn, each wound. When we die, it is real to us. That pain is real. And when we kill the others, we can feel their spirits leave them. None of us would still be here if we did not get some form of thrill from it. Even the kindest among our brethren find pleasure in the hunt.”

“What, like who, Natalie?”

Bloodhound nodded. “I think she enjoys it most of all.”

“Seriously? Natalie? Actual ray of sunshine Natalie?”

“Watch her battle. Watch how she kills. You will see a different side of her.”

He was quiet for a second, biting his lip. Hound found their gaze drifting to it, distracted, and almost missed what Elliott said next, his voice quiet and soft like it had been on the balcony: “Do you think that makes us fucked up? That we enjoy it?”

It was difficult to say. There were good people in the games. Bloodhound was proud to fight alongside many of them. And all of them had pasts, some more public knowledge than others, with things they’d rather were kept in the dark and out of sight. Things they were trying to grow from. “I do not know,” they replied gently, “perhaps so. I think it would be hypocritical for me to pass any kind of judgement. You are allowed to enjoy it, Elliott. We all do, in our own ways. Some of us enjoy it more than others, but we all fight for our own reasons.”

He turned to look back at the photos on the wall, letting out a sigh. Hound had overheard him talking about his mother before, and whilst he’d never shown any signs of upset when discussing her, his brothers seemed to be another story altogether. “I guess we do.” He finally said, though he seemed forlorn about it. Hound didn’t especially want to pry into business that wasn’t theirs, but they couldn’t help but feel concerned that they’d done something to upset the other in some way. 

“Elliott,” they started, “can I ask why you wanted to know so much about my faith earlier?”

A guilty, worried look passed over his face, and Hound rushed to reassure him. “You have never asked such questions before, or anything so personal and for that I have been grateful. You must understand the sudden influx was… Concerning.”

“Fuck I’m sorry Hound, I didn’t mean to make you unfo-uncoma- pressured, you didn’t have to answer I didn’t mean to-”

“You misunderstand. I did not tell you anything that I wasn’t willing to divulge. When I say I am concerned, I mean for you. Are you alright?”

“Me?” He tried to smile, and let out a nervous laugh. “Yep. Never better!”

Hound held back a sigh and noticed how he refused to look at them. “Do not take me for a fool Elliott.”

He sighed, pretence slipping away. Elliott rubbed a hand over his face and briefly glanced over to the corkboard behind them.

“Y’know, I call my mom after every match. Every single match, no matter what and she always answers. I called her today in fact! But the problem is that sometimes she ah... she doesn’t remember who I am. And I have to tell her. Remind her that I’m her son. My brothers, they’re all older than me, I’m the baby of the family.” 

He let out a small chuckle before the smile dropped from his face. “They’re all missing. Vanished during the Frontier war and we don’t talk about them much because I don’t want to upset her, but sometimes she doesn’t remember them either. We’re all just slowly getting erased from her memory. I know people think I’m just a huge idiot, but I’m not, I know that… I know that I’m not gonna see them again. But the thing is I joined the games because you know, way back when they brought some kind of hope and joy to people, and I wanted to be able to do that too, to give that to my mom and give her a reason to be proud of me. And maybe so I could have my brothers be proud of me too. Ah hell she used to always go on about wanting grandkids but then suddenly she had no kids left to give her any. I mean except me but she just wanted me to be happy, so I figured if I could win for her then maybe it would help. It couldn’t bring them back but… Maybe it could have done something. 

“But the thing is Hound you’re right. We go into the arena and we die and yeah, we don’t  _ really  _ die but it feels like we do, and I’m dying over and over again for someone who forgets who I am. So who am I really dying for? My brothers can’t cheer me on because they’re probably…” He doesn’t finish the sentence, letting out a shaky breath. His leg bounces, full of nerves and he turns, finally looking back at Hound. 

“With you, you go into the games knowing why you’re doing it, who you’re going in for and I… I can’t make my mom proud if she doesn’t know who I am. I’ve been fighting for years and you’ve been fighting for longer so… I was asking because I wanted to know how you keep going because sometimes I don’t know how to, and I don’t know why I still am.”

He looked away after that, and Hound could sense the apology on the tip of his tongue for rambling as he had but he must have remembered what they’d said earlier and so he forced himself to calm down, just a little. Hound remained quiet, patient, letting him work through what he needed to say.

“You wanna know something funny? Years ago, back when we found out they were missing, I used to pray. I didn’t believe in anything but I used to pray every night, pray and beg that if anyone was listening, to please give me a sign that they were okay. But all I got was silence. No one ever answered.”

For a while, there was quiet. Hound wasn’t sure what they could say to make any of this easier. They had not been aware that Elliott had been carrying around such a hurt with them. They had sensed that there was something deeper underneath, all the time spent training and fighting together, they knew there was far more to him that meets the eye, but they had not expected anything like this. They were struck with thoughts of their own parents, and Artur, and the pain they’d felt losing all of them. They knew that there was nothing they could say to make it any easier, and they did not want him to think that they pitied him. Elliott had laid himself open and vulnerable for them, exposing his fears and insecurities. Perhaps, although they could not give him any peace of mind about his family, maybe they could trust him, the way he had trusted them. Maybe it was time they let someone else in. They took a deep breath and steadied themselves, trying to shake off the fear of letting themselves be truly seen.

“You asked me earlier if I was happy when we were told we would be fighting on Talos. I was not. In truth it was difficult to be back there. When I was a child I watched my parents die not far from the Epicenter. They were killed by the freeze you see today.”

Elliott looked over at them, the same look of surprise he’d had earlier when they’d been walking together, as though he wasn’t sure he was supposed to be hearing this. The vulnerability in his eyes gave Hound the confidence to continue, despite their racing heart.

“I also watched my Uncle die there. Having to return to that place, to walk and fight on the ground they had died on reopened wounds I had thought were long since closed. Believe me when I say I know how it feels to call out to Gods who don’t answer. When I was younger I prayed and asked why it had happened, why it had to be them. When I heard the games would take place there for the time being I asked again, but the Gods could not tell me. But whilst they could not give me the answers I desired, they did give me the strength to go back and to fight there, to bring honour not only to them but to my family too. Do not be ashamed of the pain you feel for your family Elliott. It is alright to mourn them, all of them. For what it is worth, I am sorry for the burden you carry with you... I am well aware of how heavy it is. Whether your brothers are still out there or in the next life, I am sure that they are proud of you. You fight well in the ring, and it is an honour to be in there with you, no matter which side you’re on. You are a good man Elliott.”

Elliott looked as though his whole world had been swept from under him, his face laying bare to everything he was feeling. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, trying to form a sentence. He shook his head a little before he finally spoke. “Thank you…” He said, and Hound could hear the absolute sincerity of that statement in his voice. It made them feel more secure in their decision to have shared a part of themselves with him, as difficult and painful as it had been to recount.

“Can I ask you something?” Hound said quietly, pausing for a second once Elliott nodded. “You said you didn’t believe in anything. Is that still true?”

“What makes you ask?”

“You made it sound as though things had changed… But you do not have to answer-”

“Don’t worry about it, it wouldn't be fair for me to keep quiet now after asking so much of you.”

He rubbed his hands over his face and sighed, after taking a second to think about it. “Nah, I don’t believe in any sort of higher powers. I mean honestly? If I were to believe in anything at all, it would be you.”

Hound froze, something twisting sharply in their stomach. “What?”

“You’re… Ah, well you’re here? You’re like, actually tangible. And y’know you’re always so honest and you’re never cruel, even during the games and there’s never any tricks with you. You’re actually real to me.”

“I am no God Elliott-”

“I know! I’m not- I just. I don’t mean like  _ that  _ it’s just, you’re kind to me, you put up with me. I know what I’m like Hound, I know I grate on people. I’m thankful that you would even spend any time with me, let alone help me the way you have been. All the training together, letting me ramble at you on the drop ship, hell I mean everything you’ve done for me tonight. I trust you, more than I could ever trust any God, is all I mean.”

“You do not even know what I look like.” Hound whispered, voice thick with emotion.

“Does that matter? You don’t know what your Gods look like, but you still believe in them.”

Hound clenched their fists, trying to take a steady breath. To have such blinding faith expressed in them made them feel almost light headed, and made all those feelings they’d ignored come bubbling to the surface, and they weren't sure if they were ready to let them spill over. They couldn’t fathom why they had warranted such trust from Elliott but oh, how it made them yearn. By the Gods, they’d spent so much time practising their craft, honouring their faith but damn it, after all these years by themselves they were so unbearably lonely, it crept in like the cold of winter, nestling in at their heart and bones and leaving behind a dull ache that had settled over their entire body. They had known the path they led might be quiet and solitary, they had come to terms with that, had adapted to the cold within them and had been able to ignore it until Elliott had snuck his way into their life with his compliments and flirtations, finding ways to slowly crack at the ice inside of them. They had not felt such warmth in so many years and looking into the man’s eyes now, seeing such genuine trust and belief in them, made them want to reach out too. But there was also fear. They feared the expectations Elliott had of them, that he really viewed them as a God, something removed from anyone else, that they were better, and Hound couldn’t have that, they needed him to know that they were the same. All they wanted was to feel the warmth that was Elliott Witt. They wanted to…

With a steadying breath they stood up and started to remove the clasps around their breather. Upon hearing this noise Elliott’s head snapped towards them, and a look of horror passed over his face as he realised what Hound was doing, scrambling up from the sofa and waving his arms in a panic.

.”W-What are you doing? Hound you don’t- you don’t have to-”

“I know. I am doing this because I want to.”

“But you… Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Seeing him so worried for them helped to settle their own nerves, knowing that he was able to see how significant their actions were - it made them know it was the right decision, even if the prospect of what they were about to do was terrifying. They slowly removed all the components with hands steadier than their heart was. They couldn’t bring themselves to look towards Elliott whilst they did it, just focused on the methodical removal of each component, laying them on the coffee table next to them. As the headpiece came off, their hair fell down and fanned out over their shoulders, small braids framing their face, after which they removed their goggles. The last thing to come off was their gloves, most of their scars now out in the open. Elliott had remained silent and Hound almost didn’t want to speak, didn’t wish to shatter the moment of time they were suspended in, despite the space between them suddenly feeling like a valley even though they were barely two feet apart.

“As you can see, I am no God. Only human after all. I hope this is not a disappointment to you.”

“No!” Elliott reassured, “Nothing about you is a disappointment Hound. I, uh, I mean, you…Thank you. For trusting me with this.”

“Thank you for letting me trust you.”

“You wear the mask for the Gods, right?”

They nodded. “It allows the focus to be on my duty rather than any individuality about me. In more practical ways however, the mask helps in tracking and also regulates my breathing. There was an accident when I was younger that has led to some long term afflictions.”

The scars that splintered all over their face, neck and hands being one of them. There had been no sudden gasps when everything had come off, which made them wonder whether Elliott had expected this. Perhaps they were everything he had hoped they weren’t.

“Shit, I mean you don’t have to keep it off if you can’t breathe, please don’t-”

“I would not have removed it if that were the case.”

“Oh. Right. Right so you… You don’t hide your face because you dislike yourself?”

Hound finally turned to look at him, and was surprised to see not any kind of horror, or disgust on Elliott’s face, but something else entirely. There was a faint blush on his cheeks and Hound wondered if their own were similarly stained. The mask kept them safe from so many things and now with it off they were reminded of how open their emotions would be, how clearly their feelings would cross over their face, now open and raw and on display for Elliott to do with as he pleased. 

“I am content with how I look.” They eventually replied. “My body and my face have endured much over the years to keep me alive. I may be scarred but I would not alter myself. Why do you ask?”

“I, uh, good! That’s good! ‘Cause I wouldn’t want you to wear it because you thought you were…”

“What?”

The blush on his face deepened. “Ah, nothing.”

Hound took a step towards him. “Elliott.”

“It’s just that you’re, y’know. You...” 

They met each others gaze, and Hound was caught off guard noticing the small specks of gold in the others' eyes.

“You’re so beautiful.” Elliott whispered, like it was a secret. Hound took another step closer to him.

“Elliott.”

“I really don’t want to mess this up.” He admitted, and it made Hound’s heart ache, the warmth they had longed for almost at their fingertips.

“Elliott.” They said again, like one of their prayers, and taking the risk for them both, cupped his face with their scarred hands and kissed him. He let out a small whimper in the back of his throat as he kissed back, his own hands coming up to grab tightly onto Hound’s jacket like they were the only two people left in the world. Hound went to pull back and Elliott followed, kissing them again and Hound sighed into his mouth, shivering. His lips were so soft and they wondered how it must feel for him to kiss lips so scarred, but they did not have much time to dwell on it as Elliott’s hands moved from their jacket into their hair, running his fingers with gentle care over their braids. 

“Elskan…” They whispered against his lips, their thumb trailing softly over the scar on his cheek. Elliott cursed quietly before stealing another kiss, which Hound smiled into, unable to hide how happy they were. They pulled back to press kisses to his cheeks, across the scar on the bridge of his nose, before leaving one last soft kiss on his lips. Elliott looked at them as though they’d hung the stars.

“How long have you…” He trailed off, getting distracted by the beads interlocked in their hair. Hound chuckled, watching as his eyes took in all the details. 

“A while now. And you...?”

“I think I’ve had a crush on you since the day we met.”

Hound raised an eyebrow. “You’re not serious.”

“Ask Renee, she used to tease me about it endlessly. Listen it’s not my fault you have the whole cool and mysterious thing going on, and then we fought together and you were so powerful and strong but you were still so kind. And then y’know, we talked more and then you let me train with you and I… I just didn’t expect you to ever recip-repro-return the feelings.”

“How could I not?” Hound murmured, reaching out to run a hand through Elliott’s hair. It was as soft as it looked, as they’d imagined. His eyes fluttered shut, leaning into the touch, and Hound indulged themselves and pressed a small kiss to his cheek.

“I would have invited you over with the premise of blankets much earlier if I’d have known it would end with you kissing me.” Elliott grinned. Hound rolled their eyes and ruffled up his hair in response, taking great joy in the way his nose crinkled as he tried to fix it. 

“I do not need them.”

“Oh?”

Hound smiled and replied as they let their hands settle on his waist, leaning in to kiss him again:

“I’m not cold anymore.”

**Author's Note:**

> please leave comments!!! 
> 
> trying to figure out how this universe works has been a NIGHTMARE, thank u tom's twitter for being something of a lore book
> 
> i have an apex sideblog which is doubletaptrigger if anyone is interested!


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